RADICAL POSITIVITY POST DEVELOPMENT OF HIGHER CONCIOUSNESS

I've never been a particularly positive person. In fact, I've been a rather negative person for most of my life. And of course I wouldn't have said that at the time, but rather of referred to myself as a realist. I want to equate this long-lived attitude with severe anxiety, and while it may be a factor, I also believe it was the result of strongly developed thought patterns and internal pressure.

My Dad would always tell me growing up, "Disappointment is purely the result of unmet, premature expectations", and it's not like this confused me, operationally that is the definition of a disappointment. I would tell myself to expect the worse from everyone and everything, and in that way, everything would be a great accomplishment, wouldn't it? Well, not really. What I began to find is that you cannot tell yourself where to place your expectations. Furthermore, despite the fact I drilled the worst possible outcome of a situation into my mind, when that outcome occurred, the negative emotional effects were not mediated in the slightest. So, unlike I had hoped, everything wasn't great and peachy, in fact, it grew more and more the opposite.

I became detrimentally predictive, and when I believed I could see the outcome of a situation as negative, I shut down. This became a very big issue in my sport. Where if I couldn't see myself improving, receiving validation from my coaches, or things just maybe weren't going the way that I wanted them too, I mentally stopped trying. My coaches would tell me this too because they noticed the switch. They would tell me I wasn't trying, that I shut down, and it infuriated me because I believed was trying with everything I had in me. Physically, despite the number of falls or errors, I chalked my grips again, I got back on the beam, I ran the routine again, only to do the exact same thing over and over and over. I knew what I had to correct, and I knew how to work hard, but my brain had already determined my outcome. Slowly, over the course of a year, I began to resent gymnastics. I dreaded practice and almost felt relieved when I had an injury. I would come home crying four out of five nights a week. It began to kill me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was absolutely miserable in every aspect of my life, and eventually, in the following months, I quit forever.

But this pattern didn't magically go away because it was so integral to every aspect of my life. It was the only perspective through which I lived my life, and furthermore, the only perspective that seemed realistic and rational.

Now, I wasn't the grinch, and my relationship with my emotions was very complex. I was extremely self-critical, and I knew not to blame external circumstances for my position. That was something drilled into my brain through gymnastics, and while I am incredibly grateful for that principle, it fostered my preoccupation with negativity, because I took it too intensely.

I would go back to my dad’s words over and over again, reminding myself to adhere to this life philosophy. My father's advice was my playbook, and despite the fact he is still the most intelligent individual I've ever met, he could also be wrong. Along with this concept of expected disappointment, he made it a goal to turn me and my sister into what he called "emotional hummers" (due to the fact he had a 12-year-old bright blue hummer that was somehow still running despite looking like a broken cardboard box). He engrained into my sister and I, from a very young age, that everything we did was to be led by logic. That emotions should logically fit the situation they applied to, and if they didn't, they shouldn't be felt.

This, like all his other advice, made perfect sense to me as a 7-14 year old, due to the fact at that age, I hadn't truly been through anything complex. Not that I hadn't necessarily been through hard things, but rather, no complicated things. Even if I had, they were never things directly involving me. If they were, I was young, and couldn’t understand fully the nuances and complexities of relationships, families, loss, and change. I also had adults and authority figures to simplify everything. By this simplification, (which naturally we all do as children), I only felt a very basic one or two emotions arise when something would happen. And because I only had those one or two narratives of a given emotion at a time, I could sort through them simply. I didn't have questions that other people had the answers to, nor did I have questions to ask myself during these times, life was very cut-and-dry.

Now, I believed my emotional regulation through my adolescent and teenage years was pretty good. I was also told it was good. Even as a toddler I was a "perfect kid". I barely cried, I never had fits, never yelled and never caused issues. In fact, there was only one example my mother could think of where I had an irrationally emotional reaction to something, which occurred when I was two or three, where I had a screaming breakdown in a supermarket over not being able to ride in the 2nd level of this little cart car my mom would push my younger sister and me in during her shopping runs. Even then, she says the shock of how I reacted was more impactful than the meltdown itself.

I also lacked a lot of empathy, because I would exercise the same judgement I used on myself towards others as well. I believed emotion was directly a result of intelligence, and how logically someone viewed the world. If my father, who is the most intelligent and successful person I know, says something, it must be right and it must be true.

What I've come to realize, looking back particularly on my early-mid teenage years, is I was not good at emotional regulation in the slightest, but I was however, extraordinarily good at masking, and still am to this day.

However, as you presumably know, life does not stay simple. Soon enough, you won't have a mediator, an adult to simplify your problems down into basic principles, and you'll find yourself in situations which evoke a whole lot more that solely anger, sadness, or confusion. And a lot of the times, things evoke two emotions which conceptually appear as polar opposites.

But this didn't make sense to me. Logically, I had determined situation in which anger logically correlates, love cannot also. A situation which involves despair could not also involve joy. Furthermore, if I felt anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, confusion, envy, or resentment and could not logically deduce why I felt these things towards an individual or event, I would get extremely frustrated with myself. I would rationalize away my feelings, but they never really went away, but rather were coated in anger towards myself.

However, in the following years I had several very complex, difficult things happen, but the one thing trivial that actually made me learn the most about myself I ever have, and completely 180* my internal narrative was, you guessed it: a situationship. Now, I have no idea why this event was the catalyst, and it seems really silly to me that something so trivial caused such a big change in my personhood. Despite the judgement I may have, this is the truth. The coolest part is the change didn't happen after things ended and I realized I deserved better - none of the typical bullshit. Rather, I spent months pulling myself through a mental hell tunnel.

Now this "hell tunnel" wasn't necessarily reflective of the relationship itself. And I want to explain this without discussing specifics or placing blame on anyone other than myself. But in terms of necessary context, I was with someone who wanted no commitment, yet was the only person pulling the relationship further and more seriously whilst at the same time, telling me to get further away and less attached - typical, part of the game. Nothing groundbreaking, new or uniquely awful. So, for months, I fully lived inside my head, and it wasn't a peaceful place. I began to think a lot, fast and deeply. I carried around my notebook to write my thoughts down at every hour of the day, and when I began to think too fast for my hands, I would walk between my classes speaking monologues into my voice memos.

The first major discovery I came to, was that I was stuck. I was stuck because I had constructed extremely convincing arguments for staying, and also leaving. Here is what I wrote during this time period:

I’m stuck between 2 philosophies

the first one much under living in the moment and being present

why would I end something with a lot of good just because its temporary?

everything is

isn't that rushing through life?

aren't some of the best memories of your life in places you no longer visit

with people you no longer talk to?

if I could just accept the good in our reality as I experienced it then and only then could I live in accordance with this dogma

The second one is ego and anti-ego

there is no nobility in accepting pain/detriment under the guise of grace

there isn't any nobility in letting yourself suffer for the chosen character of another when that

character is hurting you despite the good you cling to so feverishly.

I hate being intellectual. But this first discovery took digging, and thinking, and despite the fact that this doesn't bring us to any sort of conclusion, it was the first problem I firmly identified. A place for my feet to land, at least temporarily, so that I could make some sort of progress. The next problem was which philosophy to choose. Because obviously, I believed there to be a wrong and right option.

I was stuck in this "limbo" of sorts for months - yet the fact that I didn't make a decision directly shows the decision I made. Something interesting began to happen however, and I believe it began to happen as a cope to my choice. I wrote an entry which said the grace I know of is not the same grace I act with. The reason this came about was because I was going through weekly cycles with this person, where everything was incredible, and then I'd see them with someone else, or they would do something to push me away right after pulling me so close. And towards the beginning, I would feel that anger, sadness and resentment towards them for a temporary amount of time, and then I'd get over it because everything, just like it was every week in part, was perfect.

And I realize now, that anger is such a comforting emotion. The reason this is, is because anger is loud, big, and deflective. It takes up so much emotional room and diminishes other thoughts and emotions. It's easy to stay angry too, because emotions which are purely a result of the external project outwards give us assurance within ourselves. The real issues began when I applied my father's esoteric wisdom yet again, to my life.

I began to rationalize this frustration. This individual had outlined their expectations and wants, which was a lack of commitment. What I had to realize is that is in no way, shape or form, wrong. Secondly, I realized that because those expectations had been outlined for me, I couldn't be mad when they were executed. And so, I began to develop a narrative in which this person was completely wiped from fault, always. Any pain, anger, or sadness I had was directly a result of a false narrative I had constructed in my brain.

Despite the fact that this was a very important realization to come to, it began to destroy me due to the fact that I truly had never learned how to feel, nor learned how to deal with irrational emotion in any other way than coating it in self-blame and running from it.

A disconnect between by body and brain began to form, and it kept growing. As it kept growing, I began to slip further and further into my head.

However, despite this fact, it allowed me to stay with this person. And I stayed because there wasn't a single identifiable thing, sentence, or action this person did that I could pinpoint and say it was objectively, without debate, wrong. Every bad experience from then out was my fault, and any good I experienced was attributed to them.

I told this to the person I was with as well. The answer I got was "that isn’t fair to you", and yet I responded with "yes, it is, because I'm a fully autonomous adult, and I am the one choosing to stay with you". I am aware I look mental, but I had convinced myself that this was fully, undoubtably true. And so, I began to act with the grace I knew of.

Now, I was fully living inside my head 24/7, and while it was miserable, it made my number one goal introspection.

I think society has a very wrong way of defining and applying introspection. True introspection is torture. The type of introspection I went through was not at all along the lines of accepting parts of myself, healing trauma or forgiveness, it was months of mental spiraling about identity. I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how these spirals functioned. I was doing "shadow work", devoting myself to my goals, taking on everything I could because in these spirals, I had perceived an extreme lack of identity, character, and determination. I would try to write out things I knew about myself with full confidence, and I struggled to think of a single thing. And so, I assumed that I was simply boring, lazy, and average, and for the following months, I worked my ass off trying to prove otherwise. But of course, this didn't satisfy me, because while I told myself I was fighting for my approval, I wasn't, I was doing it to prove to the person I was with how incredible I was. So, nothing I did, no matter how great, I acknowledged to myself as being great.

I lost every sense of identity I had. However, through these spirals and confusion, I eventually came to some answers. I couldn't name anything I was undoubtably sure I was. I began to wonder why, and through questioning and self-actualization, I came to the realization that as I lived my life, I had been surveilling myself like an FBI agent, who’s trying to make sure I don't fuck up. But I thought further, and I wasn't surveilling myself out of fear of making some social mistake, but rather because I had developed a long standing internal narrative that I was evil. That every piece of good I performed was an act to hide the fact I was a terrible person, and every piece of bad was nothing more than an accurate reflection of my character.

Surprisingly, I had a great sense of relief when I came to this conclusion. Because I had finally identified the source of my emotional turmoil. However, deconstructing this narrative is an even more tedious process. I remember looking for objective ways in which I was good, and the only thing I allowed myself to pinpoint was my best friend.

I have never admired nor respected someone as much as I do my best friend. They are the epitome of good. And so, I clung to the fact that the person in the world which I aimed to be most like, had also chosen me to be their best friend. Through this, I realized how easy it was for me to see how other people were good, and how impossible it was to see within myself. I came to an extremely critical revelation this day, which was that sometimes, things must be taken at face value. The goodness, kindness, grace and drive I applied to every aspect of my life needed to be accepted as is: not as an act or performance - but a true reflection of myself, because it is.

Now, I'm still in the midst of deconstructing the "Liberty's evil" narrative, which I've seemingly subconsciously held for the entirety of my life. But this journey is one of the crucial parts of learning how to deal with, identify and work on emotion. Like I mentioned previously, seemingly illogical emotions I handled with self-criticism and repression. However, around the time I was coming to these internal revelations, the months of suppressed anger, jealousy, insecurity, anxiety and sadness were beginning to take a severe toll. While I kept it together, my body and brain began to fail. In the final month of second semester, I developed a long-term nasal and lung infection, and lost all motivation to socialize, study, or even do the things I loved.

Now, this was a very stark change. Throughout the first 3-4 months of the semester, I was a powerhouse. I did incredibly in my classes, I followed a schedule, I was involved in every activity I could be, and was extraordinarily productive day in and day out. Yet now, I didn't want to leave my dorm, respond to anyone, or do anything. I also became extremely emotional - lots of tears over that last month. In the midst of this, I noticed something which scared me. That being, that the anxiety I had over feeling sad was worse than the feeling itself. I realized that I was constantly running from negative emotion, and not well, because I knew it was there. I was fighting tooth and nail, every single day, to not let my months of sadness and confusion come to fruition, because in my mind, these emotions did not have a logically justified reason for existing.

But I could both feel and see myself deteriorating. My body was in a perpetual state of numbness and the simplest tasks became mission impossible. But the worst part, is I couldn't keep away my sadness and loneliness. So, in an act of pure desperation, I decided to flip everything I believed about my emotions on its head. I told myself that I had to let myself feel whatever, regardless of how critically I evaluated the feeling. Now, this seems simple, but I came to discover, it really isn't when you've spent you're entire life doing the exact opposite.

But I developed a method. When something arose, I would lay flat on my back and relax as much as I could. Then, I would let myself feel unconditionally, and would evaluate where in my body I felt the emotion, or where I was "carrying" it. This was one of the most uncomfortable things I've endured, because not only was I navigating long-term repressed emotions, but simultaneously, trying to work through the extreme anxiety I had around feeling this way - which, believe it or not, was far worse than the emotion itself.

By now, you'd probably think my circumstances were improving, but in fact, the opposite was true. My "relationship" which catalyzed this entire process was getting messier, more difficult, and painful. I felt as if I was going into psychosis, the weight of both my situation and the internal narrative I was working through along with finals approaching was a recipe for complete and utter disaster. And in my final week of exams, everything came crashing down. A day prior to finals, the "relationship" I had was cut off, and my testing ended up being a complete trainwreck.

But I made it through and came home for the summer. Something became extremely apparent to me, and to those around me as well. That being, that I was so positive. I looked at life with so much curiosity and love in a way that I hadn't before. The most interesting part of this, however, was that this change didn't just appear after me and that person stopped speaking, nor after coming home for summer. It was something I had picked up on throughout the past 4 months. Despite the fact I was overwhelmed with negative emotions, the narrative which guided my life and internal dialogue had become profoundly constructive.

I believe this happened as a cope. In order to keep myself functional and normal during this semester despite the emotional weight of being with that person, I had to handle problems differently. If I responded to hurt, and dwelled in it every time something happened, I would've destroyed myself. So, my brain did something really cool. I reframed my perspective entirely. I searched for the good in everything, appreciated beauty as it came to me, understood that the worst parts of life were the most critical in becoming the person I wanted - the person I needed - to be. Now, this alone is toxic, which is why I had to teach myself to feel, to have these polar opposite concepts work in unity with one another - something which appeared completely irrational to me only a year prior. I found I could think about things I hadn't before, and in new ways which I didn't even know were possible.

In response to being kicked down again and again, by mind subconsciously adapted a narrative which allowed me to keep persisting. Now, you may be thinking, just because one learns how to healthily deal with emotion doesn’t mean that person should remain in situation that foster such, and to that I agree. However, the result of being in that situation and applying this mental framework allowed me to take said framework with me post being with that person, and furthermore, evaluate effective and healthy ways in which to use it - where I discovered, unhealthy relationships are not a fitting medium.

I am aware this is a lot, and I'm also aware it might not make perfect sense - because it doesn't even to me. And I have so much gratitude for the person I was with because I have never had a more fruitful, nor insightful experience. I have never had someone inadvertently bring out my shortcomings and strengths as they did. I've never appreciated a version of myself more than the one I am currently. I am someone excited to be alive, someone curious about the world and about other people, someone resilient, someone smart, someone in touch with who they are and what they want, someone who can extract the beauty from hardship, someone empathetic, and someone good.