ON YOUTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

I hate being alone. I always need someone with me even if I'm doing absolutely nothing. Not all the time of course, but for the most part its always Liberty + 1. And as I got a little bit older, I always loved having a partner in my life. In fact, I was almost nonstop talking to someone. Because life is undoubtably more fun when you have a crush: the dopamine hit when they text you, having a reason to get ready for the day, hoping to run into them in a supermarket or elevator - it’s so entertaining, and it gave me something to think about. It was the norm. Everyone I knew, and pretty much know currently, does the exact same thing.

This said, around summer of last year, I was fucking done. For the first time in my life, I was truly, physically, and mentally/emotionally alone. I had to sit in this space, which was more than uncomfortable. There was no person to validate me, to take up space within my thoughts and feelings and distract me from what arose. As sad as it sounds, and as deprecating as it is to say, I felt a sense of purposelessness, which alone I haven't admitted until now.

I sat in this space for about 5 months, and as time progressed it got more and more uncomfortable. It felt more uncomfortable because for the first time in my teenage life I realized how empty it was. And the idea of being alone wasn’t necessarily the thing that made me so uncomfortable, but rather the realization of how empty my metaphorical "home" was when I didn't have a person.

But here is something so incredibly important, discomfort is entirely a product of the internal. And what it means, (at least I've found) is that there's usually a part of me that needs to change or grow, and eventually I stopped running from that feeling and in turn came across one of the most important discoveries I had yet to find.

All that empty emotional space and all the new time I had slowly began to be filled with art, music, people, and experiences. But I had to ask myself, "What are my hobbies? Do I even have any I pursue to begin with?" and I began to question myself and identify the things in my life which deserved devoted time. Importantly - these questions began to fill that empty space, and I realized, the questions must fill it first so that the answers to those questions can firstly come to us, and then begin to take up space. I began doing research, drawing more than I ever had before, painting, trying new sports, practicing old sports, and going to new places despite the fact travel was an extremely anxiety-inducing thing for me personally.

Now I was sitting in my previously depressingly empty "home", but instead of bare floors and too much empty space, it was filled with everything I loved, with music flowing through the rooms, my paintings on the walls, playlists, plane tickets, and knowledge.

One of the most substantial changes I noticed upon this journey was how much more I thought, questioned, and theorized. My thoughts were no longer crammed alongside a boy, and because of that they began to develop and grow into the inner monologue which guides my life now in this timeframe.

I realized how curious I was about science, and I would do hours of research on whatever specifics piqued my interest. I also realized that there were parts of myself that I needed to change - and this process was so incredibly terrible, difficult, and humbling - but that’s a story for another day.

In essence, I blossomed - and I realized just how happy I was. I felt genuine happiness while being genuinely alone for maybe the first time in my life. I had real purpose, real drive, and a real life which I was proud to live.

This, however, brings me to my next point. I believe it’s in everyone's personal best interest to firstly, remain single through most of teenage into early adult life, and secondly, have a substantial period of time in which you are truly alone with yourself.

Relationships require a lot, regardless of how good or bad. By having a partner, both individuals sign a sort of metaphorical social contract which involves caring for the wellbeing and considering them in almost every aspect of life - consciously or not. This is a wonderful thing; however, it takes up emotional and physical energy, time, thought and strength; and my argument is, that we must wait to devote those things to another person because we must devote them to our lives first. The time we devote from such an early age to finding a partner is far better suited to be devoted to discovery, hobbies, curiosity, and experiences. Additionally, this encourages us to develop lack of a need for external validation, and leads us to discover what we personally need to do to find satisfaction within oneself: Who are you without anyone else? Are you lost? Are you uncomfortable? Are you lonely? What do you want for yourself? Why are you searching for someone so feverently?

I truly believe we cannot access this part of ourselves unless were alone.

I do believe relationships are one of the most beneficial, beautiful, and important aspects of anyone’s life, and good relationships encourage both individuals to grow and change together or in compliment with one another. But discovering the direction you want to grow in is crucial before building a life you're developing with another.

Romanticize early life once again.

Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to reach out with feedback, comments, questions, or objections.